It Hurts Like Hell
by AceCade
Summary: Jake and Marley broke up after high school and their lives have led down completely different roads. With Marley now a model out in New York, Jake tries to avoid ads as much as possible. Until now. [Trigger warning: panic attack]


**_Wrote this for a roleplay where I play Jake._**

**_Jake is a freshman in college (Cal State LA, majoring in Social Work and Dance). Marley and Jake broke up in the middle of their freshman year at college. (So, this fic would take place in the tail end of their freshman year.) And this is basically Jake going through some shit…_**

**_Um, I think that's the only background info you need to know... Oh, and be prepared for Sam feels too…_**

**_Hope you enjoy this random thing :)_**

* * *

_SNAP. SNAP._

Jake startled at the sound and focused his attention on the pair of fingers waving in his face. He's standing in front of a billboard advertising something. He doesn't know or care—all he knows is that he was drawn to it.

Well, drawn to the person on the poster, much rather.

"Earth to Jake. I've been trying to get your attention for the past few minutes."

Jake moved his eyes from the pale, long fingers still wiggling in front of his face, over and down an equally pale arm, and over the shoulder to rest on a pair of blue eyes (too light of a shade). The cheeks were dusted with freckles. But something just felt… not quite right about this face to him. Then he focused on the red hair.

Yes, bingo.

She should have brown hair, not red.

The fingers wiggled again, and then one poked out to tap him on the nose. Come to think of it, the height was all wrong too. She was too tall.

"Jaaake?" The voice was too high, didn't have the richness to it that it should.

Jake blinked, then blinked again, and felt himself finally focusing on the girl in front of him. What had just happened? "Yes?" He cocked his head in confusion.

"What's wrong? It looks like you've seen a ghost." Jake wants to laugh at that, because she doesn't know how fucking right she was. But he doesn't. "You're making me nervous. You kinda checked out on me for a few minutes there. One minute we were talking and walking to The Grove, the next you're zeroed in on this thing." The girl taps the glass with her knuckle.

Jake takes a moment to take in the girl. She's Riley. His dance partner. His girlfriend. (There's something wrong with the fact that she's his girlfriend is the second title and not the first…) Not _her_. That's when Jake pulls his gaze back to the billboard and finally focuses on what was in front of him.

Because there, in a larger than life size, is the last person he wanted to see.

He knew she was into modeling out in New York, 2,789 miles away. (He knows. He had traveled it a few times.) They had talked a few times over Facebook since then. But that just left Jake feeling awkward. He had been lucky so far, what with being in LA and all, and not having to see any of her work yet. He made it a point not to look at any ads or magazines unless it was absolutely unavoidable, lest he see her beautiful form smiling up at him.

He couldn't take it… all the pain would come back and he didn't want (read: couldn't) deal with that. Again. It was best to keep all that buried deep and just move on.

It's what she did, after all.

But there she was, smiling down at him on The Grove Drive in Los Angeles, posted up on some billboard for some new clothing line that this new shop was going to carry. He felt his throat collapsing and his breathing quicken, as all his emotions began to crash down over him. He must have gasped, because soon he could feel Riley's small and soft hands gripping at his arms and pulling him over to the nearest bench on the sidewalk. He knew she was saying something; whatever it was, was overtaken by the loud rushing of his pulse in his ears.

Jake tried to clear his mind, but every time he closed his eyes he was plagued by visions of the brown-haired girl. Smiling faces and lazy kisses. The way her hair fell over her naked chest as she snuggled into his arms. The way her blue eyes seemed to sparkle whenever she looked at him, mouthing the words iloveyou. He opened his eyes frantically, wanting to run and hide from those images.

He gasped again, this time as a small hand (too small) was comfortingly rubbing across his back, and pressed his fingers to his eyes. He startled to find that they were wet, wet from unbidden tears spilling, and, oh God, he was breaking down in public!

His head was pounding, his lungs were burning. Jake moaned brokenly, moving his hands to lock themselves behind his neck, hunching his upper body over so that his head was between his legs. Somehow, through the fog in his brain, his educational training came rushing into his head. It was the way he controlled the things in his life now, thinking of something concrete that he could focus on. And this, he knew, was definitely a panic attack, and putting your head between your legs and breathing deeply helped deviate the attack.

And Riley—bless her kind soul—had stopped trying to get him to talk. She just sat there and let him do his thing. Her right hand was clamped like a heavy weight on his right arm, her left was still moving in slow circles over his back. She was quiet, and just let the weight of her hands make him know that she was there and he wasn't alone. To keep him grounded. The realization of that almost spurred on another attack, because here was this amazing and kind and beautiful girl sitting right next to him and he couldn't even look at her without comparing and wishing that she was _her_. It wasn't fair.

What was he doing? He thought he had gotten a handle over this freaking out business. It was part of the main reason why Sam and he had gotten an apartment together. Sam had been pretty much living in Jake's dorm during his free time to keep an eye on him, to make sure Jake didn't fly off the handle. Jake rarely did that anymore, having taken a few classes as part of one of his courses for an extra credit project. It had been a way to make a grade and to get himself help after… what had happened.

Once his temper was reigned in, his impulsive fighting instincts were put into check as well. Only, this left him with an overabundance of flight instincts to take over, leaving him wanting to run at any sign of trouble and to be prone to random panic attacks. Since Jake had lost touch with Ryder after he took a basketball scholarship in Florida and he didn't want to worry his brother and extended family, he had called Sam that first night. All he had gotten out of his mouth was a "Sam" and "I don't know what to fucking do anymore" and Sam had jumped in a cab and had the guy race to Jake's dorm.

Because Sam understood that kind of overwhelming panic. He had grown up in Kentucky in a comfortable home with two loving parents and two younger siblings. Then it all came crashing down when his mother was diagnosed with Leukemia and his dad had lost his job because he had to spend so much time at the hospital with his wife. They had lived off his mother's Social Security check, but it wasn't enough to pay rent and feed all three of the children's mouths. But then his mother got better and his dad got a job offer in Ohio. The pay was sucky and he had to get another job. He was constantly working. This then—with his mom's illness coming back—left the care of his two siblings on his shoulders and school on top of it all…

Yeah, he had had his fair share of panic attacks. He didn't know where their next meal was coming from half the time, or whether or not his mother was going to survive the next day or not. But then things were looking up finally, and Sam graduated and pulled himself away from his family to go become famous in LA and make money so that they could live comfortably again.

He was still working on that dream, but at least he was in reach of getting there.

So Sam had practically moved into Jake's dorm to keep a close eye on the kid. Sam saw Jake as a younger brother—and not just because he was Puck's—but because he could see himself in Jake. The desperate want to succeed, working your ass off, not letting the horrible stuff bring you down. Just trying to float through life without any more pain.

That month of calming Jake down from panic attacks after his break up with Marley had to be one of the hardest things Sam had to deal with. He hated seeing people in pain, always being the one to need to bring a smile to someone's face or a laugh from their lips. But no amount of joking could help Jake through them. So Sam had taken on a new role: the solid pillar of strength that Jake could feed off of. The kid kept so much inside, it was a wonder to Sam he hadn't spontaneously combusted. Sam had shared his story and Jake had worn down enough to share some of his (though Sam couldn't tell it wasn't the whole truth).

No, because Jake hadn't let anyone know how much it hurt, when the smoke of the explosion of the break up cleared in his mind and he was left broken and alone. Jake realized that there was one thing that hurt the most. He blamed himself. Even though Marley had cheated, Jake didn't fight for her. No, he yelled and then when everything became too much, he had ran. He had trampled over the dropped bouquet of roses, back down the long flight of stairs, and went straight to the airport back to LA. He didn't even stop to hear her out (which, really, she's the one who cheated; she deserved that, right?).

That, in itself, went against everything he had promised. He had promised he would never leave her, and now that he _did_, even if she had pulled away first, it was just this feeling that he couldn't get rid of that kept gnawing at him from the inside.

"Jake, you okay?" Riley's soft, hesitant voice ripped him from his thoughts and back to reality.

He sat up slowly, his back muscles aching from being hunched in that position for too long. How long, he had no clue. Jake wiped the last of the tear marks with his sleeve and locked his brown eyes onto her blue ones. Her eyes showed him concern and confusion, but he didn't feel a pull like he once did to a pair of darker blue eyes that he missed so dearly.

"Um… no." He shook his head, his voice raw with emotion still. He didn't have the energy to lie. It would be a waste anyways because this breakdown obviously meant that he was, in fact, _not_ fine. He was _so very far_ from fine.

"Tell you what. My apartment is a couple blocks back. Why don't we get you off the street, get you a Cherry Coke and go talk, okay? It looks like you need it."

It tore at his heart that she was so nice, even after this very strange and out of character break down that he had just did. Instead of just leaving him on the street, she had stayed with him. Instead of just walking away and telling him that he was a fucked up man that needed to deal with his own issues, she was _still_ there.

Even though Jake had so many caring and supportive people in his life now, it still threw him for a loop whenever someone reached out to him like this. So he just nodded and let her haul him up from the bench.

Her hand never left his arm, but all he could feel in her touch was comfort and nothing more than that. A friendly touch. He had felt a spark that first day they had danced in class, making him naively think that maybe he could finally move on to someone new. But after, there was nothing. No matter how many times she had grabbed his hand, touched his arm, kissed his lips, or lay with him in bed, he didn't feel that fire that he once did.

That's why, two hours later after explaining that the girl on the billboard was his ex, Marley, and spilling his guts on Riley's couch, with five cans of Cherry Coke sitting empty on her coffee table, he told her that he thinks they should just be friends. Riley only nodded, telling him that if he didn't break it off then she would have. He was obviously still in love with this Marley and she didn't want to be the girl that was only second best.

But they would still be friends. After all, they were still dance partners. But, after this whole thing, instead of being a total disaster, they really understood each other now, and that could only help in their dancing. Plus, it was good to have a friend outside of his big, crazy family that he could talk to. She didn't even know Marley, and it was nice to hear her perspective on things.

But one thing never changed.

He was still in love with the girl on the billboard, his Marley, and it hurt like hell.

* * *

**_Just a mini-note: Marley didn't really cheat. It was a big misunderstanding. And Jake just doesn't know it quite yet... Oh, IT WASN'T RYDER BY THE BY. It was some random guy she met at college and Jake just jumped to conclusions._**


End file.
